Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Bachelor # 1: The creep, the incompatable, the JERK

     On Friday, July 15th I ventured out on an actual date, with an actual suitor, at an actual meeting place often selected for the first-date scene. I headed to Starbuck's straight from work, knowing that if I went home first, would not want to go out again. Arriving at the date site at exactly 8:15pm I received a phone call from Bachelor # 1, asking me if I had left my house yet, because he was going to be late. Not wanting to stress him out by telling him I was already there, I fibbed and told him 'no'. So he told me he'd text me when he was on the road, so we can leave our locations and get there at the same time. Not a big deal, right? it was a little irksome that he was unable to keep our meeting time, without a valid reason...but so-be-it. I'm flexible.
     Figuring he'd be a few minutes late, I sat at an outdoor table without a beverage, and wound up having a lovely conversation with two people at the table next to me. And time sped by. 8:30 turned to 8:40, which then turned to 8:50pm when I finally got the text stating that Bachelor # 1 was on his way, and not to leave. So I entertained myself by tweeting and texting, and by 9:15pm....Bachelor # 1 was still not in da house! Defiantly not putting his best foot forward....right? By this time I was jonsing for a Starbuck's beverage, and getting miffed that this dude still wasn't here. I text my girl LB to see if I should leave, and then proceeded to check in with my mom and get her input too as to what to do. Mom told me to 'give him a few more minutes, then to come on home.' (Yeah...I should have left then and there....but nooooooooooo.) At 9:20pm I get a call from Bachelor # 1 asking if I was there because he was there and didn't see me. So I explain where I'm sitting, and he still insists that he doesn't see me, and proceeds to ask if I am at the right location. (And ok, I didn't flip...because I can be a ditz at times, and being at 2 different locations was in fact plausible.) I ask him if he's in his car, he informs me he is, and I ask if he sees the big delivery truck right in front of Starbucks. He's all "I'm not sure, let me see", and by this point I'm wondering if he's in his car, facing the java joint, how the hell could he miss the huge delivery truck. So I get up from my table and proceed to walk to the front of the building (as I was on the side), and WHO comes popping out from INSIDE Starbucks...but Bachelor # 1! (Really? He was sitting in his car? Really? That's an amazing feat, if his car was inside the building!) He's all "I see you!" And proceeds to hang up. I extend my hand in greeting and he swoops in to hug me. (At this point dude....the hug is not the way to go.)
     Instead of offering to buy drinks right away, he heads to the table where I had been sitting waiting on him...and launches in to his schpeel declaring and I quote: "you're're real cute. I can defiantly see myself dating you....because you're cute. And oh look, you got that little thing in your hair which matches your shirt. Yeah, I could deff see myself dating you." All said in one breath as he gestured wildly with his hands and arms at me. Bachelor #1 had very definitive plans on which towns he would live in WITH his parents, and how he refuses to travel east of Bohemia (the town we had met in for the date from hell) because anything east of Bohemia is "a real shit hole." Yep...this guy was coming off as a real gem. I asked him if he was aware that my town is east of Bohemia...and he said, "yeah...but that's ok." Then he launched in to how he NEVER goes in to Sayville...because it is full of gays, and that he refused to go to a town which was filled with gays, and did I know about those people hanging out in Sayville? I don't know how I did it, but I refrained from smacking him in his face and leaving. (1) I have people in my family who are homosexual, and (2) 80% of my male friends are needless to say I am very tolerant and accepting and love these people. Bachelor # 1then proceeded to ask me about my recent dating experiences, and I informed him that I had taken a little bit of a break, so I could focus on me, which seemed to be the most absurd thing he ever heard because he not only almost fell off his seat, but felt compelled to inform me that (quoting once again) "At your age, you can't be taking time off like that. You're almost 40 years old!"
     By this point we were half way through the tortuous date from hell, and I was trying to find a way to wrap it up, besides jonsing for a hot drink...and a hot shower to wash this whole experience away. Bachelor # 1 finally realizes it might be smart to offer me a drink...since this was indeed a coffee date. However I declined, only to shorten the date, and trying to figure out how to run for my car without him tailing me like a puppy. Bachelor # 1 then decided to try to see what my interests are and I filled him in on my interests and hobbies. He was impressed and stated that I keep myself busy. I only felt it fair to inquire about his and...let me tell ya...there is no way I could have dealt with him. Bachelor # 1 hangs out at home....goes to his 'one friend's house to hang out', plays video games, and likes movies. I asked him what he does for a living and he informed me about his job and his 'little part time job at the outlet which he got fired from this past winter, when he worked for Juicy Cotour, and all the little Juicy bitches'. Really? Really? Calling women bitches is a way to snag a second date? When we discussed movie theaters, he put down every theater I go to...calling them shit holes, and told me "I only go to the Commack theater, but they're tearing it down at the end of the summer."
     It was just about 10pm, and there was absolutely no way I could endure another minute in his presence. Although I knew there'd never be a second date...didn't want to set this wack-o I told him it was nice meeting him. Bachelor # 1 was stupefied that I was going home at 10pm, and actually said to me (quoting again) "What? A single girl like you is going home alone at 10pm? If you want, we can do something else." Firmly I told him I needed to get some school work done, and had an early morning coming up. He 'understood', and walked me to my car...asking me questions on it such as "What year is it? Is it fully loaded? How many miles do you get?" WHILE he was walking past my suv, and I was stopped AT my vehicle!I was like "Uh....what are you looking at? This is my suv." He was just like "oh." And then once again proceeded to inform me "you're're real cute. I can defiantly see myself dating you....because you're cute." Again I stuck my hand out to say good night to this bozo...knowing full well what his move would be, and he grabbed me in a hug. I sat in my truck for a minute, trying to decide if I should go through the drive-thru and get a coffee, and watched in disbelief as Bachelor # 1 walked back, in to Starbuck's. Foregoing my Frappacino...I headed home, because like Dorothy said as she clicked her heels together: "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!!"


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